The terms ‘selfish’ and ‘being selfish’ generally have a negative connotation. When you think of somebody as being selfish, that is not an attractive characteristic. Well, I’m in the process of realizing that we, as men, NEED to be more selfish.
Have you ever felt the world keeps asking and asking from you? That everybody needs something, whether or not it’s your personal life, academic life, or your professional life? It feels like everybody is converging on you at one time and wants something from you.
But why does taking time for yourself and not being available for others feel so selfish and wrong? This feeling is part of masculine conditioning in many societies, especially highly capitalistic ones. Paradoxically, taking time and energy to care for yourself makes you better at providing and being there for your family, friends, coworkers, and partners.
I get bombarded with requests daily, as you do, too. It can be so incredibly overwhelming and start affecting you negatively. You could end up having trouble sleeping at night or being dysfunctional during the day.
Start saying ‘no,’ which can be very difficult if you’re a people-pleaser, but you have to be honest and set boundaries at some point. There’s nothing wrong with setting boundaries. Unfortunately, even with good boundaries, situations can start seeping through the cracks, and suddenly, you realize your boundaries were dropped. You need to go and set them up again.
Be honest with yourself and others when setting up your boundaries. It’s a struggle, but you must decipher where to distribute your time and energy. Time is limited, and time management is challenging. There is hardly enough time daily to complete everything requested, but that’s where the boundaries come in. I’m not saying you shouldn’t accept offers, but don’t overextend yourself. It can get overwhelming.
When we get overwhelmed, sometimes we do things half-assed, or nothing gets done. It’s a vicious cycle, and we have to lock it down. Be selfish and not let the world take and take. Also, not losing yourself is essential to your overall health. Take care of your well-being. If you’re overwhelmed, you must be able to say ‘no,’ which you deserve to take care of yourself and your health.
Healthier relationships come when you put yourself first. They don’t develop and grow by catering to the needs of others. Friends and family will respect you for doing your own thing. It’s called being a man —growing up, grabbing life by the balls, and doing what you know needs to be done.
People-pleasing gets you nowhere and is no way to live your life. People don’t respect somebody that is always on the fence. Stand up for yourself and do what you know is morally and dutifully correct.
Being selfish means being strict and selective with your time and putting yourself first when you should. However, being selfish doesn’t mean being dismissive, inconsiderate, or neglectful. A good example is cutting out toxic or negative people who drain you and your time. Sure, lend a helping hand, but if they constantly only ask, never give (time, encouragement, appreciation, positive vibes included), and make you feel drained, you’ve got to put yourself first and cut them out.
When opportunities are presented to grab, be a bit selfish and go for it and not let someone else easily snatch it. Be selfish to get what you want and need in life. Be a giving person, but also do things for yourself to propel yourself to be the best version of yourself, to achieve your goals, and to obtain success. No one else is going to do it for you.
At the end of the day, there is a balance between being selfless and having a healthy level of selfishness. For example, I am sure we’ve all been burned by family or friends, whether lending them money or giving them your time. Learn from those experiences and proceed with caution. If a point where saying ‘no’ kills the relationship, the relationship wasn’t mutually beneficial to begin with. Cut your losses.
Most of us need a significant component of unlearning. While there is an argument to be made that relaxing is ‘useful,’ being critical and skeptical of the idea of always having to do something ‘useful’ is essential. Of course, work and providing can be valuable, but many other vital parts of life exist, too. Using time for yourself is vitally critical, too.
